I haven’t been writing.
I haven’t been reading.
I haven’t been…doing anything, really.
Correction: I’ve been working. I’ve been side hustling and babysitting, and trying to stay afloat with my main job and I’ve been tired.
I have been pouring out and not really pouring in to myself. Writing is usually the thing I do that is most enjoyable, but writing with the intention of it being an agented piece to be sold is actually the most soul crushing thing.
I hate commodification of joy. And for me, writing has always been a joy without much monetary success. Let’s face it, I’ve been writing freelance and blogging for years, and while it has grown my skills and made me happy, it hasn’t been lucrative. I thought after college, maybe, if I can make enough writing, I can write full time. And I don’t think I’ve made a months worth of income in the total amount I’ve made writing.
So now I’m here, trying to write a book I hope to get an agent for and sell, and I haven’t written in three months because I am too busy adding more and more stuff to my plate in a desperate attempt to move my life somewhere bigger.
I can’t keep doing this.
I have taken steps to make changes though.
I have realized I have to put in what I get out of the world. I have to sleep enough, eat well, and exercise, which make me feel good about myself and my body. I have to give back to the world, because it is the only thing I can do to feel wholly like a person.
I have to write. I have to write and write and write and make this work because I want to look back in 10 years and say that I have written.
And I have to acknowledge that every moment I’m not writing is moving me forward in a different way.
I have to acknowledge that the way I see and interact with the world is unique, but the worlds problems are not mine to bare.
I am so lucky to have had some of the opportunities set in front of me. Because writing is not going to pay me right this moment, but I have to pay my bills and do what needs to be done now, and it has to be a balancing act.
I am ready to put the last three months behind me and move into a space that makes me happier and more at peace.
I’m not going to try to schedule happiness. I am going to try to manage my time so I don’t only feel a sense of dread.
So welcome back to my blog. I am sorry to constantly reintroduce myself. But I hope that if you are struggling with getting it all done, you can take solace in the fact that I’m not getting it all done either.
If you liked this blog post, please follow my blog, like this post, and leave a comment if you are so inclined about what you are doing to regroup mid year.
If you’d like to support me monetarily, please consider buying me a ko-fi! Coffee is what fuels all this dreaming, and I really appreciate your support.